At some point or another, we will all have a friend or loved one affected by mental
illness. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable or even overwhelming to know what to do or how to respond. You don’t want to be overbearing or annoying, but you want to show you care. A blanket “I’m here for you” statement doesn’t feel like enough, but you don’t know what else to say. So what can we do to better support those we love and care about who are dealing with a mental illness?
Our Actions
A starting point could be learning from how we care for those dealing with a physical illness. Let’s begin with the dynamic that naturally happens when those we love are dealing with a physical illness. They are in a season of life where they need more from others, so we step it up a bit, aware that the relationship isn’t going to be an “even” give and take for the time being. We don’t think twice about bringing over a home cooked meal, sending a card, or even offering assistance with transportation to and from appointments. We happily humble ourselves to give a little more than usual when our friend or family member is physically vulnerable.
This same humility can be applied to those dealing with a mental illness. Knowing that there will be seasons of giving more than receiving, may very well be part of being a good friend to those dealing with a mental illness. But, be careful to maintain a balance, it’s not helpful to give all you have and leave nothing for yourself or your family. You know, the whole “can’t pour from an empty cup” idea? Well, think of that. So while it’s important to give to our loved one, we still need to make sure we’re taking time to get refilled as well so we can be available for them.
If you’re unsure what resources are available to you, let me introduce you to at least one - National Alliance on Mental Health, or NAMI for short. NAMI was started in the 1970’s with one mission in mind: to find ways to better support their loved ones affected by mental illness. Today, they have over 700 state organizations, including Tennessee! In addition to providing education around mental illness, they regularly offer support groups for both caregivers and those directly experiencing mental illness. If there are no current groups available, or none that work with you or your loved one’s schedule, they have a hotline you can call or text 24/7 to get free information and questions answered. To learn more about what NAMI can do for you, specifically in TN, check out this link: https://www.nami.org/affiliate/tennessee/.
Our Words
So, how can we talk to our loved one dealing with mental illness? It’s important to communicate directly, and this can be tough, especially if you’re not used to assertive communication styles. Talking about mental health, or lack thereof, can feel intimidating and even scary. Conversations regarding physical illness can feel more concrete and facts based, while mental illness is more subjective. It’s confusing to navigate a conversation around something you might feel so unfamiliar with, so I’ve listed a few sentence starters that can help get the conversation started:
“I care about you, are there things you could share with me to help me better understand what you are experiencing?”
“Have you experienced these feelings in the past? Was there something you found helpful when you were dealing with this before?”
“Would you feel comfortable sharing more with me about what’s been going on lately? If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me, is there anyone you do feel comfortable talking to?”
And if you truly don’t know what to say, communicating that directly is more helpful than trying to come up with something positive just to fill the air. “I don’t know what to say or do, but I’m here to help you figure this out” is direct and genuine. If you find yourself stuck, know that validating feelings is a powerful tool you can always come back to. Those who deal with mental illness are still fighting stigmas, so it’s important to show those who are struggling that you see their feelings as real. You may not be able to relate to their experience, but a simple “You are really going through it right now and I can see that” can make someone feel validated and seen, and therefore less alone. Statements such as “Things are going to be okay” or “Keep praying about it” or “Everything happens for a reason!” can come across overly simplistic, and while meant well, are actually dismissive and invalidating. So, even if the first few (or many!) conversations don’t feel productive, keep showing up. Both mental and physical illness can make someone feel isolated, and making the effort to remain in their life, even when you don’t always know what to say, can make a lasting impact on your loved one.
In terms of offering help, be observant about what they may need. Saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” is different from noticing and offering help for a specific concern. Some ways that mental illness can impact daily functioning include:
difficulties managing responsibilities
unable to keep up with tasks around the house
missing appointments
changes in diet.
If your loved one’s laundry keeps piling up, or they can’t maintain a clean living space, offer to help with those direct needs. If your friend doesn’t have a counselor, but has expressed wanting to go to therapy, maybe assist with researching to find someone in the area. Perhaps the last thing they can think about is getting up and cooking a healthy meal. Bring one over! Be intentional.
Lastly, don’t forget to treat your friend or family member as “normal”! It can be easy to reduce people down to just their anxiety or depression, but their illness isn’t their entire existence. If we take another lesson from supporting those with physical illness, we know that it would be hurtful and unhelpful to reduce someone down to just their cancer, disease, or disability. It’s helpful to those dealing with any type of illness to have friends treat them as just that - like any other friend. Laugh and “spill the tea”. Whatever you do and however you engage with your “normal” family and friends, do the same for those battling mental illness!
Check out these resources for more information: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/articles/how-support-someone-mental-health-problem
Lexie Taylor holds a masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and am practicing under the supervision of Joy Samuels, TN LPC-MHSP #2364
Lexie's goal is to help her clients see themselves as the expert in their own life. She helps her clients discover their own set of values and to make choices in life that are in alignment with their core self. Her modalities include cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and existentialism, among others.
More at tapestries.com/team.
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