Resilience is another word for toughness; it’s the ability to withstand and recover from even the most difficult life challenges. We all adapted to the environment in which we were raised, and most of us had to be resilient. Our planet is resilient; kids are resilient - not weak, and they are remarkably courageous.
Resilience is one of the most commonly discussed topics in the helping profession, because true healing means finding our ability to experience joy and happiness again even from hopelessness and despair.
Nashville has been, by necessity, resilient at times. After the 2010 flood the city grew back even better, and to look at the city, you would never know what profound losses occurred that May. I know a little Lutheran Church here that is remarkably resilient because we’ve had to be.
Resilience doesn’t mean hurting less. It’s plenty painful. We feel the pain of loss deep in our gut and in our soul whether we lose our spouse, our health, our home, or a friend or family member.
How to Build Resilience.
What can we do when we are scared, overwhelmed, hurting, or anxious?
Consider these “Seven C’s”: competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control.:
Competence is being good at something, and we all are. Recognizing our own competences, even in difficulty, is a way of living into resilience.
Confidence means knowing you can handle whatever comes along. We may not like it and we certainly don’t want it, but knowing we can do it grows confidence.
Connection to each other, to God or a Higher Power, to nature, to our own inventory of strengths will help us remember that we can do this. In a ceremony where we take a vow, we often call upon our Spiritual Source and our Community to help us. As I tell my clients, “You have not lost connection; you have lost awareness of connection.
Character refers to our internal strength and our moral compass - our compassion for others and our willingness to do the next right thing for the greater good.
Contribution - helping each other when and where we can. Consider Mr. Rogers’ quote, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Indeed, a social and gastronomical feast is made of “potluck”, the concept of each person bringing food to create a communal meal.
Coping - of course, we all have ways to manage our pain, and we want to call on healthy coping behaviors, e.g., self-care, exercising to offset the effects of cortisol, giving ourselves time and grace, finding someone to talk to, walking in nature, joining with friends to create community, working in a garden, praying. Think of all the ways you might cope with the life challenges.
Control - we all need to experience a sense of control, and the best way to do that is to separate those things we can actually do something about, versus those we can’t. When we feed our worries about that which is outside our focus of control, it is a hemorrhage of power and control. We can, instead, focus on what we can do something about. As Viktor Frankl said following his unthinkable experience in Auschwitz:
You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.
All of these together weave a tapestry of resilience. I hope this helps you find and nourish resilience in yourself, in your families and communities. I hope for you better days ahead if you are struggling. I hope you know that that Tapestries Counseling Center is here for you.
Jeannie Ingram is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, speaker, and workshop presenter in private practice in Nashville, TN. She has a Bachelors Degree in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling from the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and a Post-Baccalaureate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy from Capella University. In addition, she is a Clinical Instructor for the International Imago Training Institute and certified to present Getting the Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Start Right, Stay Connected Imago couples workshops across the Southeast. For more, please go to.
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